IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT AWARE OF. I LOVE YOU YOU KNOW. IT IS WHAT I FEEL BUT WHAT I CANNOT ACT ON. I CANNOT ALLOW MYSELF TO ACT ON. HOW CAN I LOVE AND KNOW THAT I WOULD NOT LOVE YOU OTHERWISE? THAT I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I KNOW YOU? IS IT TO KNOW TO LOVE. IT IS TO KNOW TO LOVE IT IS TO LOVE TO KNOW. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME AND I HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU MEAN IT AND I HAVE TO ENTERTAIN THE NOTION, SLIM AS IT THINS, THAT IT IS SOMETHING YOU MEAN. I HAVE TO BE SOMEONE YOU (CAN) WANT, DON’T I? YOU HAVE TO BE SOMEONE I CAN WANT, I THINK I WANT, I KNOW TO WANT. YOU SEE THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN BE RIGHT THAT THE LIFE YOU WANT IS NOT ONE (THAT YOU ARE CONVINCED) I CAN POSSIBLY OFFER – AT LEAST WITHOUT CHANGING WHO I AM INHERENTLY, WHICH WOULD MEAN CHANGING WHOM YOU LOVE – IS ONLY IF YOUR LOVE FOR ME MUST FALL SHORT. AND IN SOME WAYS THIS GOODBYE FEELS FALSE AS IT FEELS NECESSARY. IN OTHER WAYS THIS GOODBYE FEELS INEVITABLE AS IT DOES RIDICULOUS. MY READER, ARE YOU CONFUSED? I AM AS YOUR TELLER, AS A FEELER, AND FRANKLY, CAN FEELING BE A SHIELD FOR THINKING? LIFE IS WIDE, AND SOMETIMES IT IS SO WIDE IT IS NARROW, LIKE A MANHATTAN WITH A MILLION SOULS, EACH PRIVATE, OR A SUBWAY IN RUSHHOUR PACKED TO THE BRIM BODIES ON BODIES, EACH ALONE HEADED SOMEWHERE AND IS IT VAIN OR SOMETHING OR WHATEVER TO MAKE MEANING OF A TIME SHARED BEFORE ONE ALIGHTS AT THEIR STOP, BEFORE THE DOORS SWOOSH AND THE TRAIN RUMBLES ON; THE ONE HEADED UP THE ELEVATORS TO THE SUNLIT GROUND WITH TREES AND BIRDS, THE OTHER RUMBLING ON IN TUNNELS UNDERGROUND SCREECHES AND FLASHES AND MORE BODIES, HEADED SOMEWHERE, THAT WHERE, NOWHERE. HEADING NOWHERE; IT FEELS, WITHOUT IT BEING ASSUMED A PRIORI AS DEPRESSING, IS ALRIGHT. BECAUSE LIVING IS ALRIGHT. WRONG AS WE MAKE IT WRONG AS IT MAKES US.
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